The New Happy Gift Guide
If there’s ever a year we deserve gifts for surviving, it’s this one.
But our default approach to giving, which is based on fueling our society’s consumerist machine, will not actually lead (in most cases) to greater well-being. There are, of course, exceptions, and the acquisition of physical objects can certainly lead to momentary happiness — but science has found that we adapt to any material possessions very quickly, becoming bored with whatever it is and pushing us to look for the next hit in the acquisition of another object. Other research has found that we don’t do a good job of predicting how happy a physical gift will make someone; yet year after year, we default to giving and getting more stuff.
Since generosity is one of the most important pathways to our own personal happiness, what is an aspiring gift-giver to do with this quandary?
The answer lies in giving a New Happy gift: a present that not only contributes to the well-being of the recipient, but that extends beyond that to positively impact the giver, the quality of your relationship, and the community around you.
New Happy gifts are win-wins-wins: you get the benefit of giving, the recipient gets the benefit of something that truly improves their life, and the people around both of you benefit, too. Prioritizing other people’s happiness is, as ever, the secret to happiness (when your friend becomes happy, you are 15% more likely to become happy, too!)
Here are five types of gifts you can give to your loved ones this year that will really make a positive difference in their lives.
The Gift of Connection
One of the most treasured parts of the holidays is that it offers us the chance to come together with our loved ones. While that might not be possible this year for many of us, we can still mindfully and authentically connect with our loved ones — it’s especially important because our relationships are the single most important factor for our long-term happiness. Here are a few ways to give connection to your loved ones this year:
Call someone you love with the intention of just listening to how they are really doing.
Tell someone you love a story about your life that you’ve never shared before, and ask them to do the same.
Write a loved one a heartfelt gratitude letter explaining why you’re extra-appreciative of them this year.
Give the gift of a future experience (like a concert or trip that can be enjoyed in our post-vaccine world) that you can attend and enjoy together.
The Gift of Joy
Joy can be found even in the hardest times, and you can become a joy-enabler this year for your loved ones. The secret with joy is thinking small, considering physical and sensory experiences, and inviting in small luxuries.
Ask yourself, ‘When have I seen this person look most alive and feel happiest?’ and consider what you could offer them to feel more of that. For example, if you notice that your grandmother loves to create stuff, what could you give her to help her experience more of that: a new knitting pattern book, a gift card to her favorite supply store, or a scrapbook to capture her creations.
Think of a loved one and ask, ‘Is there an indulgence that they love but rarely allow themselves?’ Whether it is bubble baths, a new workout outfit, a really special meal, or a night off from their responsibilities, consider how you can change a rare-treat into a more frequent occurrence for them in 2020. I always think that coupons for ‘A Night Off’ or ‘A 30 Minute Back Massage’ are a great way to do this, especially if you insist that they are all used up by the end of the year.
Joy is often found in experiencing nature, which can provoke feelings of awe and wonder too. Take them to see something beautiful in the natural world.
The Gift of Presence
You are loved not because of what you can buy someone, but how it feels to be around you. This year, give them more of what they really want: your presence.
A gift that you don’t necessarily have to tell someone you are giving is the gift of forgiveness. Are there grudges, pains, or aches that you’re holding on to in a relationship? Consider if you might be able to forgive them, which research shows is of ultimate benefit to you.
Reach out to someone who you have lost touch with to reconnect. Life has a way of often getting in the way of important and meaningful relationships. Give the gift of being the first one to reach out and say, “I miss you.”
Throughout the next week of holiday celebrations, make a commitment to not be distracted by your phone or other devices when you are with your loved ones. Decide that you will really be there, with them. Watch how this transforms your experience of the holidays.
The Gift of Growing
One of our core human drivers is the pursuit of growth: the pursuit of our own evolution is one of the most reliable ways to improve well-being. We need to be learning and growing to be truly happy. Help facilitate someone’s growth with these gifts:
Consider what someone has taught you this year, and find a way to honor that growth that they have given you. Maybe they helped you to understand an important issue, supported you with a project, or gave you a really insightful piece of feedback. How can you offer them that same gift of growth?
Identify something that they’re passionate about — like a new hobby — and give them a gift of helping them to grow in it (for example, a virtual cooking class)
Help them to prioritize their well-being with a subscription to a meditation app, workout app or program, a journal to capture their progress, or even just a few really supportive words that show that you’ve noticed what they’re working on
For each of your family members, think about one meaningful way that they have grown this year. Then, find a way to celebrate it. You could have a ‘Growth Party’ to fete one person each day, you could write them a note sharing what you noticed, or you could ask them to reflect on their experience and share it with everyone.
The Gift of Compassion
Compassion is a response to someone else’s pain and suffering. This gift might be the most important this year, given the substantive increase in humanity’s pain. Here are some ways to help those you love who are doing it tough.
If someone you know is really struggling, your impulse might be to give them something positive that they can do for themselves. I’d counsel differently: give them something that alleviates some of their struggles and stressors. This will make a far bigger difference and not make them feel like there’s yet another thing they have to do.
Educate yourself on what they are going through. If they’re struggling with grief, learn about how grief works and what helps. If they’re facing a stressor like job loss, spend a bit of time Googling to find out what that is like. With a few minutes of effort, you can make meaningful progress in understanding their challenges so that you can be the best support system that you can be.
Request to solve one of their problems or take on one of their responsibilities. What task of theirs can you take on: grocery shopping, taking the kids once a week, researching a specific challenge? Get creative and find a way to truly take one of their burdens away.
Simply acknowledge their struggles. Many people shy away from pain, leaving the people suffering feeling more alone than ever. Tell them that you see what they’re facing and that you are with them, no matter what happens.
I hope that no matter what you are doing this year, you have a wonderful holiday season, filled with giving and receiving in ways that make you happier and more joyful.