How To Build Authentic Confidence
You know what’s scary? Listening to your heart’s true calling. Pursuing your dreams. Sharing your gifts with the world.
You know what’s devastating? Not doing those things.
Many of us are caught between those two extreme emotional states. We’re terrified to start and terrified not to.
So we take the path of least resistance: telling ourselves that what we have is good enough, that we’d probably fail if we pursued it anyway, that what society told us to do is right, and that dreams are for other people, not for us.
It’s time for you to stand up and declare who you are, what you want, and move towards it. And there’s one essential trait that will make it possible for you to do this: authentic confidence.
What is authentic confidence?
There are four types of confidence.
Precarious Confidence
Hollow Confidence
Pretend Confidence
Many people who have a lot to give the world don’t share their gifts because they are afraid of becoming like these people — this is one of the biggest barriers I see to people fulfilling their potential.
Authentic Confidence
This is feeling confident because you know who you are at your core, and you understand that you are worthy and unique. This is the confidence that is stable, resilient, and powerful. It supports you through taking risks and leaps, and bouncing back from setbacks. When you have this confidence, you're able to take your unique gifts and offer them to the world in a meaningful way.
There are so many people who never share their gifts because they haven't developed enough authentic confidence, leaving the world poorer for it. That's why it's essential that you learn how to embody this, to recognize that this is not pretend confidence, and to ensure you don't get distracted by the lure of precarious or hollow confidence along the way.
How to Build Authentic Confidence
Here are the eight steps to build lasting authentic confidence. Taking these actions will help you to bring your desperately-needed true gifts to the world and make it a better place, while also helping you to find lasting happiness.
1. Recognize your inherent remarkableness
It's a miracle that you're even here, reading these words. A Buddhist legend says that the odds of being born are the same as if you were to throw a life ring on the open ocean, and at that exact moment, a blind sea tortoise poked its head through the ring. Even if you’re not into religion or spirituality, it’s worth reflecting on this extraordinary image for a moment and realizing how miraculous it is that you’re alive.
No one has ever lived your life before. No one has had your experiences, your thoughts, or your relationships. No one has your particular gifts. You are completely unique. There is no one can compete with you when you're living as your true self. It's only when you try to be someone else's self that troubles arise.
The realization of your remarkableness is the basis of authentic confidence. It's not pretend confidence to recognize that you are unique and special — it's the truth.
2. Identify your superpower
The poet Cleo Wade once wrote that while she knew she wasn't the world's greatest writer, she thought she might be the world's greatest friend. In her writing, she tries to embody this superpower, becoming a friend to her reader. This is, paradoxically, what makes her such a wonderful poet.
There is no one out there who doesn't have their own superpower. Trust me. You are not the one and only exception to the rule!
To find yours, you need to sit, get quiet, and listen. Most people already know exactly what it is, but they’re terrified to speak it out loud.
You might be afraid that honoring it will be bragging (it's not — that's pretend confidence.)
You might worry that speaking it will upend your life (it might, but not honoring it will be far worse.)
You might be daunted by the enormity of your realization and feel unsure of how you’ll ever make it happen (like everything, you will find a way, one step at a time.)
The world needs your gift. Honoring it is, simultaneously, the single greatest act of selflessness and of self-love that there is.
3. Redefine your self-image
Lots of us are living lives that someone else designed for us. We're also embodying other peoples' images of ourselves. Are you letting your mom/high-school bully/coworker's perception of you define your existence?
Your authentic confidence comes from the alignment between who you are on the inside and who you are on the outside. Here is a quick exercise to help you bring them together
Take a moment and imagine that you moved to a foreign country, where you knew no one. What would you do with your days? How would you introduce yourself? How would you act? That's you, as you are, now. Start being that person on the outside.
4. Start practicing your superpower in small ways
It's too easy to give up before you even start by focusing on the end result. Instead, pick a very small goal or a narrow area to focus on. If writing is your superpower, don't focus on how you're going to make the Bestseller List. Focus on writing for 30 minutes a day.
As you practice, learn, and improve, you'll build a sense of mastery. As my dear friend Mike described it once, you're building a bridge between who you are to what you do.
You'll also be able to figure out what you like and what you want to pursue further. The beauty of a superpower is that there are so many ways you can embody it. It's not something limiting like a job title or an industry. If you keep using it, your life will soon become a playground for your superpower, leading to immense fulfillment and joy.
5. Put your superpower out there into the world
It's not a true superpower if no one else benefits from it. And the only way that someone can benefit is if you talk about it and share it.
It is scary to share it: putting our work or selves out there is even more vulnerable when it comes from this precious, authentic place inside of us. So start small. Share your superpower with a trusted friend or your family. Build up to a bigger circle over time.
The more you share, the sooner that you’ll realize that most people would never judge you or make fun of you. If they're also trying to develop authentic confidence, they'll only be cheering you on and supporting you. And if they're pursuing precarious, hollow, or pretend confidence, they're too busy thinking about themselves to ever think about you.
6. When you face a setback, use it to learn and grow
You will face setbacks and challenges on your journey. See these as the gift that they are: a chance to move more into your truth.
If you get constructive feedback from someone, test it against your own internal knowing. Does this ring true to you? Will it help you to use your superpower more effectively? Is the person giving the feedback someone who is also on the path of authentic confidence?
When setbacks occur, return to remembering your intrinsic worth as a human. Your superpower isn’t for everyone — that’s why it has to be for you. Remind yourself that you are one of the bravest people on the planet for pursuing your truth, and that you’re going to continue to honor it no matter what happens in the outer world.
7. Surround yourself with other authentically confident people
Being around hollow, precarious or pretend confident people leaves you feeling smaller.
Being around authentically confident people makes you feel bigger.
They make you feel empowered, inspired, and motivated. In a magical way, their connection to their true self makes you feel closer to your true self. They show you what life can be when you honor and share our superpower.
These are your people. Find and cherish them.
8. If you get distracted, return back to your core
Many people start off on a journey of authentic confidence but then fall prey to the siren’s call, turning down the path towards precarious or hollow confidence. They start to measure their worth by their possessions or their titles, or start living an Old Happy life again. They lose sight of what really matters to them.
If this happens to you, or you find yourself tempted to base your confidence in something outside of you, remember why you started down this path in the first place: to take your superpower and use it to help others and to help yourself at the same time. External successes are nice and certainly make a difference in your life — enjoy them as the fruits of pursuing your work, not as the purpose.
When you start to truly believe in yourself, and ground that belief in your inherent worth as a human being, your entire life will transform for the better.
Instead of adopting someone else’s vision of a good life or someone else’s idea of who you are, you will move forward on your own path, towards your own New Happy.
Authentic confidence is the trait that will guide you to a life that is uniquely yours.