The Three Myths of Self-Compassion

We all want to build a better, more compassionate world. But today I want to argue that the most important step you can take towards making that world a reality is offering yourself compassion first. 

There is so much resistance within us for what should be the simplest, most natural act in the world: offering kindness towards our own selves. Our society, our institutions, and our families have instilled the message that we should be kind to others, but the platform on which that kindness is built — kindness to ourselves — is often ignored.   When times are hard, our instinct is to beat ourselves up, rather than to nurture ourselves, seek to understand our feelings, or recognize that we are not alone in this suffering. 

You cannot improve the world without also offering that same love to yourself. But we tell ourselves stories — myths — that tend to get in the way. Here are the top three that I hear most frequently and some exercises to help you bust them, once and for all.

Myth #1: Self-compassion is selfish. 

Many people operate under the belief that to be a good person, they need to ignore their own pain, while being absolutely wonderful, kind and supportive to everyone around them. Anything else would be selfish. 

This myth falls apart when we look at it from a long term perspective. What happens if you behave this way for a long period of time? Slowly, you will either become resentful, burnt out, and depleted, which will leave you completely unable to continue being kind to others. The best way to create the greatest happiness for all beings — our mission here at The New Happy — is to ensure that you are including yourself in ‘all beings’. You, just like everyone else, deserve kindness, understanding, and support.

And the studies prove that selfishness is not related to self-compassion. Research has found that people who are self-compassionate are more altruistic, more giving, and less focused on themselves. 

Myth #2: If I offer myself compassion, I’ll lose my motivation and become complacent.

Many of us think that it is our constant self-criticism that keeps us motivated and moving forward. I’d love to challenge you to try not criticizing yourself for the next week and watching as your productivity and happiness simultaneously soar. Nowhere in any research does ‘beating yourself up’ rank as a driver of flourishing.

In fact, studies have found that being self-compassionate actually increases your motivation to improve yourself and to master your goals. When you beat yourself up for not achieving something, the only thing that happens is that you end up feeling more ‘stuck’, creating more problems that you have to deal with. It’s a bit like when you ignore a problem and it snowballs into a far bigger deal than it needs to be: when you ignore your own emotional well-being, it can lead to much bigger issues down the road.

One interesting study looked at students who had failed a test. Those that practiced self-compassion actually spent more time studying for their re-test. Their self-compassion increased their motivation to do well. It also positively affected their well-being! Win-win. Another study looked at people going through a hard time in their lives — a divorce. Those individuals who were the most self-compassionate were more emotionally stable during the divorce, and those positive effects lasted even when they were tested nine months after.

Myth #3: Self-compassion is self-pitying. 

Think about the last time that you were feeling really sorry for yourself. What were your thoughts like? I can guarantee that not one of your thoughts were about helping others: they were all about your own pain and suffering, how no one possibly could understand your challenges, and how unfair and frustrating life is.

That’s because when we actually feel self-pity, we become oblivious to the problems of the world and the suffering around us. Our vision narrows to one thing: ourselves. When we practice self-compassion, the opposite happens: we see that everyone around us has experienced pain and suffering too, and it is that which connects us, and that we are not alone. Our vision expands to encompass all beings. Ironically, allowing ourselves to honor and feel our own pain is what allows us to then be there for others’ pain.

Putting your head down and charging through your pain is often our instinct, mostly because we haven’t been taught how to deal with pain effectively. We worry that if we offer ourselves the merest gesture of kindness, we might fall apart. And that often extends to the way we treat others in pain too, wanting them to just push through it as quickly as possible. 

But once again, the route to well-being is through accepting what is really happening, offering kindness and understanding to ourselves throughout that experience, and recognizing that we are all connected through our shared human experience.

Which myth gets in the way of your self-compassion? 

For me, the one that has tripped me up the most has been Myth #1. It’s taken a lot of time to unwind that one, and I still have much work ahead of me! 

If you want to start practicing self-compassion, here is a quick way to help you get started. 

These nine actions each offer a pathway towards being more compassionate. Try checking off one each day or week. When you’re having a hard time and catch yourself living by one of these myths, reference it. You can choose a new behavior to replace your default approach of self-criticism, isolation, or over-identification.