Your Problems Aren't Going Away
Imagine a life with no more problems. The dream come true.
Most of us are going through life valiantly slaying our problems one-by-one, hoping that at some point, they’ll stop cropping up and we can finally be happy (a tendency which reminds me of this scene from one of my favorite movies.)
But it’s not going to happen: you will never eliminate all of your problems.
Problems are not only an inevitable part of the human experience (our brains are designed to constantly seek them out, and as soon as one is solved, another one is brought to our attention), but they are also one of the greatest tools we have for being the best version of ourselves — if we know how to harness them for our benefit.
The mental model I’m sharing today has transformed my life, and been especially critical during hard times. I really hope it helps you, too.
The Four Types of Problems
When we think of problems, we think of this big, messy mass of things that are blocking us from living our true, happy lives. It looks a little something like this:
In fact, problems are not monolithic: there are very distinct types, each with their own characteristics and outcomes.
Separating them out allows us to cut through the mess and effectively deal with them. Here are the four different types:
Let’s start with the Choose / Didn’t Choose columns.
Didn’t Choose: These are problems that you would never choose for yourself such as illness, accidents, loss, destruction and the like. They happen to you, and you have no control over them. Anyone looking at that problem can objectively agree that, “Yes, this is bad, and you wouldn’t choose for it to happen to you.”
Choose: Many of the problems in our life are also the result of things we consciously chose. For example, you set a goal to lose weight, and now you’re having a problem with finding enough time to exercise. Or you might be feeling really overwhelmed by your new dream job that you worked for years to get. There are degrees of choice, of course, but owning what we chose is an important way to regain control over our problems (as you’ll see when we start to use the model!)
I first noticed this distinction between Choose / Didn’t Choose when my partner Alex became sick. People would compare his inability to walk to the time they sprained their ankle, and it pissed me off. I realized something important from that: while the problem might be completely chosen, it often leads to the exact same feelings of pain, stress, struggling, and suffering that non-chosen problems lead to. This dimension becomes exceptionally important when we start to tease out our opportunities for choice.
Back to the 2x2!
The second dimension is the utility of the problem: Leads To Growth / Detracts From Growth. My research has led me to conclude that the primary goal of life is growing as a person: working to become the very best version of you that you can be. Therefore, we want to understand how a problem can either help you to grow or to hold you back from it.
Leads To Growth: Goals. Challenges. Pushing yourself to your limits. Helping others. Fighting for justice. Rising above your circumstances. These are all problems that lead to you becoming a better you.
Detracts From Growth: Institutional racism. Sexism. Unequal access to economic opportunity. These are problems that limit our ability to grow. A very common problem that detracts from our growth is the limiting beliefs and stories we tell ourselves, like “I am not worthy”.
How to Use This Model
Now that we’ve teased apart the ball of problems and have a new mental model to use, let’s go step-by-step and learn how to apply it to whatever you are facing. Once you get the steps down, this practice will only take you about five minutes.
Step 1: Document Your Problems
List out all of your current problems on a piece of paper.
(As you do, watch as your brain magically conjures problems out of nowhere that were not at all in your awareness before!)
Step 2: Categorize Each Problem
Now, put each problem into the appropriate box.
If your initial tendency is to put them all into the Didn’t Choose/Detracts From Growth box, worry not: this is completely normal.
The whole reason I came up with this model is because I continually found myself saying that all of my problems were ruining my life and were coming from outside of me. I call this the default perspective. It leads to feeling victimized and believing that we have no control over our lives, which is an enormous risk factor for depression, anxiety, and unhappiness. Conversely, the more you believe that you can control in your life, the greater your well-being, health, resilience, and motivation, and the lower your stress.
Step 3: Evaluate Your Problems
Step back and reflect upon what you have listed out, and challenge yourself: is everything in the right place?
Here are a few helpful questions to ask yourself for the two stickiest quadrants:
Didn’t Choose: Is it really true that this wasn’t my choice?
Detracts From Growth: Has there been any benefit from this?
When I first started to use this model, I realized that 80% of my problems were, in fact, things that I had chosen because they were important to me: goals, a purpose, being the person I wanted to be. Yet, I was spending my days miserable, simply because I had tricked myself into believing that I had no control over my life. It was a massive perspective shift to realize that none of those things were, in fact, out of my control, and that I had the power to decide on their continued presence in my life and how I faced them. I was able to reframe the problems from, ‘things that were getting in the way of my happiness’ to ‘the things that are leading to my happiness’.
Step 4: Poke at the blue Didn’t Choose/Detracts From Growth box
This box is often the source of our pain and suffering. But when we push on it, we often discover that we have been using it to trick ourselves, and that less suffering and more joy is easily available.
We tend to see our biggest problems as an all-encompassing lump of coal that we label and shove into this box. As an example, my instinct was to put my partner Alex’s illness in here, and label it as the big problem, encompassing all of the pain and suffering that it has created in our lives:
When you ‘roll it up’ into this big, massive problem, it’s impossible to tease out any of the elements that you have control over or that might lead to some benefit.
If you see that you have listed out any really big problems like this, try to separate them into various strands. When I did this, I discovered:
Not only did I discover that there are many beautiful benefits and choices embedded within ‘Alex’s illness’, but I also discovered that I’m using it as a catch all excuse for the other areas of my life: “I can’t exercise because of Alex’s illness.” “I can’t try to pursue that goal because of Alex’s illness.”
This realization changed my life. Not only was I suddenly able to see where I was deluding myself, but I was also able to find opportunities to grow and areas I could regain control, significantly benefitting my well-being.
Step 5: Redesign Chosen/Detracts From Growth problems
Take a look at your grey box. Are you choosing problems that are limiting your growth? If so, there are a few things you can do.
Go long: Ask yourself if this problem will matter in 5 minutes, 5 months, or 5 years? If not, is it really a problem you want to spend your energy on?
Ask if the problem is true: Is the problem truly a problem, or is it the result of seeing it or the world in a certain way? What would it look like if you looked at it differently?
Who can you learn from? Now that you’ve isolated the true problem, what tools, resources, or support would help you to overcome it? For example, I listed out a limiting belief that I don’t have the time to do the things that matter to me. I could overcome this by talking to other caregivers about how they fit in their passions and self-care.
Step 6: Find a Chosen/Helps You Grow Problem
The top left red box is the source of your New Happy: the problem that you want to use your gifts to help solve.
If you don’t have something to put in this box, your brain will manufacture tons of little stupid problems to fill up the grey Chosen/Detracts from Growth box instead. People who are working towards big, meaningful goals don’t really care about office drama or petty grievances — they’re too busy!
If you don’t have something in this box yet, here’s a secret trick to help you find it. Ask yourself, what is in someone else’s blue Didn’t Choose/Detracts from Growth box? What are the problems that are keeping other people from living their truest potential?
Racism. Sexism. Illness. Mental health challenges. Grief. Lack of access. Poverty. Mentoring. Loneliness. The list could go on and on and on. Find the one that fires you up and make it the focus of your red box: choose to make someone else’s problem your problem in order to one day wipe it off of their matrix.
Step by step, problem by problem, you can use your mind and energy to take your problems and transform them into opportunities to grow and to contribute. This is a profound shift that will lead to massive benefits in your life. The power of this model is that it shows us our blind spots, where we have been tricking ourselves and handing over our power. When we see them, we can change our behavior — for our benefit, and for the world’s benefit, too.
If you use this model in other ways, let me know — I’d love to hear how it’s working for you!