How To Get Off The Self-Help Treadmill
Are you on stuck on a self-help treadmill, constantly reading advice about how to be happier and more productive?
There’s a simple test to know if you’re on the treadmill. If you’ve read a bunch of articles like this this week…
“The Top 10 Most Important Things To Do Every Morning”
“The Habits of the Most Productive People”
“Do This One Thing And You’ll Be Happy”
… my dear friend, you’re on it. I’ve been there. Today, let’s talk about how to jump off of it and how to plant your feet on the ground to live.
There’s so much ‘how to make yourself happier’ content out there on the internet and in bookstores and on Instagram and on Twitter and in newsletters (hi!) and on Medium and on greeting cards and street art. It’s a lot. There’s so many people telling you how to be happy. So many articles appearing every day, promising you the secret to happiness if you just do this one thing differently or copy this person’s routine or drink this magical elixir.
The self-help treadmill is the belief that you will be happy if you read a little bit more. If you find the right article. If you connect with the right teacher. If you get the right piece of advice. If you go on the right retreat. It keeps happiness at arm’s reach at all times, dangling the promise of it in front of you but never truly giving you the tools to change it.
To be clear, I’m beyond thrilled that the topic of happiness is so predominant in today’s zeitgeist. What does concern me is 1) the typical content of self-help and 2) that it’s not easy to apply.
The Content
Most self-help content beats a relentless drumbeat telling you to focus more and more on your self. The vast majority of this content is about the self and what to do to make your self happy. It’s all about me, what my needs are, how I can change, me, me, me.
Western culture tells us that happiness comes from focusing on the self, which of course leads to recommendations to focus more upon it. Unfortunately, focusing on the self leads us towards unhappiness. Longtime readers know my stance on this: a strong focus on your self is the path towards misery, not happiness. It’s only through focusing on giving or contributing to others in some way that we find true, lasting happiness (and that’s how we change the world, too!) I’m convinced that the overabundance of self-focused content is hurting us. We need to shift our focus - and our content - towards talking about how to create happiness for others.
Of course, there are many lessons to be gained by immersing ourselves in the wisdom of others. But how many more articles do you need to read about gratitude to know it matters? How many more stories of someone’s productivity tips? When do you stop yourself and take a pause and go out and apply it?
The Delivery
Self-help content is extraordinarily hard to implement. The way it’s designed - ‘read a tip and apply it to your life!’ - is very seductive. It promises easy fixes, and it’s way easier to mindlessly read a never-ending stream of content than to put in the hard yards of doing the work. And it sort of feels like you’re changing your life, so it fulfills you just the right amount - but of course, not enough to make it feel like you don’t need to consume more content. Just one more article! Then, all of a sudden, days and months have passed, you’ve forgotten what you’ve read, and you’re no closer to a happier, more meaningful life.
Most devastatingly, self-help keeps us in our head, pondering how to be, rather than going out to actually be. As the philosopher Epicurus wrote, “The fool, with all his other faults, has this also: he is always getting ready to live.”
If that hits a little too close to home, believe me, I’ve been there too. I’ve read every self-help book known to man. I got a Masters Degree in happiness! In doing so, I’ve forgotten more about happiness than most people ever learn. Very few things I ever read are still with me. What has stuck with me are the lessons that I learned by living, by going out and trying stuff, and by surrounding myself with people who encourage me to be my best. Awareness around those topics can help a great deal, but most of the time, we don’t offer our readers the real tools and support that they need to take the most important step of applying it.
Moving from Self-Help to Growing Together
I really believe that all of us who create and consume self-help content about well-being have the very best of intentions. We so sincerely want to help others, and I think that we often do. But I also think there needs to be a new way, grounded in community; one that acknowledges the reality of how people best transform themselves and the world. We need to provide a new form of support alongside of our content, one that truly enriches the lives of readers and supports them along their way. And hopefully, by doing so, we can begin to model a better way of living - one that is focused on creating happiness for everyone, rather than just creating happiness for ourselves- and inspire others to follow our lead.
So, in the spirit of being the change you want to see in the world etc. etc., I’m excited to announce that today, I’m launching the New Happy Circles!
The New Happy Circles
The New Happy Circles are a dream I’ve had for a long-time. It is a dream of bringing together people who share common values and want to support one another in living them.
The Circles are one-hour, intimate virtual gatherings, centered around a specific topic (friends, career, parenthood, meaning, activism, giving, and so on.) They’re limited to just five people a session. In every session, I will present the latest research and thinking on the topic, and then facilitate a conversation on how we can apply it in our own lives. You will leave with new knowledge to enrich your life and the lives of those around you, and new friends to support your growth and hold you accountable. Think of it like a live version of this weekly newsletter, but BETTER: with interactions, questions, laughter, and support. You will leave each session better equipped to help others and to help yourself.
We’re going to get rid of ‘do it yourself’ and instead, start to ‘do it together.'
Are you in? Sign up here.
All New Happy subscribers can join a Circle for just $15 a session (non-members pay $30.) I’m so excited to meet you face to face and do this ‘make our world a better place’ thing together.
“If you’re grateful, you’re not fearful. If you’re not fearful, you’re not violent. The grateful act out of a sense of enough, not scarcity, so they are willing to share. Grateful people are joyful people; the more joyful people are, the more we’ll have a joyful world.”
Brother David Steindl-Rast
The New Happy Links Of The Week
The internet is altering the structure of our brains
A global team of researchers reviewed the research on technology and cognitive processes, and concluded that high levels of Internet use do impact many functions of the brain. Specifically, the researchers raised concern about the “limitless stream of prompts and notifications” which encourages divided attention. If our attention is always divided, it impacts our ability to be present, to apply our full capabilities, and to get into the flow state.
How to live it: The researchers recommend taking up a mindfulness practice, which is designed to strengthen your ability to focus your attention, and to ensure that you continue to prioritize in-person connection time. Another simple way to help: turn off your phone notifications!! This is by far the easiest way to protect yourself, and way easier than using self-control.
Take a deep dive into the importance of where you focus your attention in this article, The #1 Key To Happiness, from our archives.
Sleep apps backfire by causing anxiety and insomnia
“We’ve seen a lot of people who have developed significant insomnia as a result of either sleep trackers or reading certain things about how devastating sleep deprivation is for you.” The tendency to ‘metricize’ our lives is having a negative effect on some people who are trying to sleep. Researchers are cautioning that standardized advice - like how many hours of sleep to get - are not broadly applicable. We’re all different!
How to live it: Try checking in with your body instead of your tracker to figure out how much sleep you need. If you wake up feeling well-rested and feel tired at the end of the day before bed, you’re probably getting enough sleep. There’s a good lesson in here to turn to ourselves rather than to our devices for a pulse-check on how we’re feeling…
Did the Ice Bucket Challenge actually help?
Remember the Ice Bucket Challenge, which took over the internet in the summer of 2014? A lot of us were skeptical that it might have just been a lot of show with no real impact towards raising money for ALS, a progressive neurodegenerative disease that has few treatments and no cure. But it turns out that it’s had an enormous impact. Five years later, a report is in, and the news is fantastic:
Ice Bucket Challenge donations increased funding for research by 187%!
This research discovered 5 new genes connected to ALS, and the creation of the largest resource of ALS whole-genome sequencing data, which has accelerated research all over the world
The ALS Association expanded their network of specialized clinics, which are essential to navigating the many treatments that patients need every week - from 100 to 156
Researchers believe they are now significantly closer to a cure.
It’s so amazing what we can do when we come together!
How to live it: Come together with people and help make a difference. You can start with signing up for our New Happy circles!